![\"elle-halliwell\"](\"https:\/\/cms.smooth.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/cover.jpg\")
<\/p>\nAsk any mum and they will tell you it\u2019s impossible to prepare yourself for motherhood. All the advice in the world cannot ready you for the emotional onslaught, hormonal rollercoaster and sense of responsibility that comes from looking after a small, completely dependent human being.<\/p>\n\n
So I\u2019m not sure whether having a cancer diagnosis to preoccupy myself during my pregnancy was a blessing or a curse. I rarely entertained any scenarios in my head of what it would be like if I beat the odds and became a mum, so had no preconceived notions or expectations when that moment finally came.<\/p>\n
Having been diagnosed with chronic myeloid leukaemia just two days before discovering I was in the early stages of (a somewhat accidental) pregnancy, looking any further than the next day was akin to staring into a big black tunnel. I had no idea if I\u2019d even make it to motherhood, so what it would actually entail was the furthest thing on my mind.<\/p>\n
For the eight months following those two major life shake-ups, I stopped looking to the future. This new habit, born out of self-preservation and a fear of the complete unknown, proved a life-changing revelation. And it ended my decade-long battle with chronic anxiety.<\/p>\n
That may sound strange, as even the thought of getting cancer would cause many people\u2019s anxiety levels to spike.<\/p>\n
But nothing can stop you freaking out about unpaid parking tickets or piles of dirty laundry as effectively as the \u2018C\u2019 word.<\/p>\n
When I finally met my son, Tor Felix, I was assaulted with a crippling sense of love, joy, and terror. We\u2019ve both made it through the pregnancy, but now what? I thought to myself as I sat in my hospital bed, staring at a three-kilo stranger sleeping in my arms.<\/p>\n
With my new cancer treatment looming, I didn\u2019t have the mental capacity to agonise over the small details of child-rearing in those first months. I ticked off the big-ticket items \u2013 love, food, nappies, and sleep, and the rest was just forced to fall into place.<\/p>\n
And each day, things got easier. I\u2019ve kept my relaxed attitude to motherhood; my life\u2019s much more messy and chaotic because of it, but it\u2019s helped me honour the promise I made to myself following my diagnosis; that I\u2019d never let anxiety dominate my life.<\/p>\n
But two years on, with a toddler to chase and my cancer somewhat under control, the daily urgencies are returning. Like old, unwanted friends, popping by unannounced reminding me about the unfinished washing\/bills\/emails. They could at least bring a bottle of wine.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s a daily struggle to keep them from igniting that chest-tightening feeling I used to get when the panic took over. And, as Mia Freedman points out in her book Work Strife Balance, it\u2019s the unexpected, quiet moments in between the craziness that anxiety usually chooses to make itself known.<\/p>\n
There are very few moments of quietness in my life these days, and I\u2019m grateful for it. My life is one filled with craziness, mess and an overwhelming love which hurts the heart. That\u2019s what I know about motherhood.<\/p>\n
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